..just want the smile on my face for once to not be fake:/

You'd think because I have gone through alot off shit, that I wouldn't be able to feel like this. Empty. I feel as if I don't have a reason to live, everything is just crashing in, piling on top of each other.
Just wish I was me, not the person I am just now, the happy kirsty. The one who didn't care about anything and just kept her head up high and was proud to tell the truth as it was, now not so much. When people ask me stupid questions, I hesitate to answer. Wish I was just happy, do I not deserve it?

shittest day I've had in a long time..

he is like sex to my ears.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXUSaVw3Mvk&feature=relmfu

wish I was in spain.

These are the people I owe my life to. They got me through thick and thin. They were there when no one was, They helped me as much as they could. They picked me up when I was down. You's are my bestfriends and I couldn't ask for better friends. You only want whats best for me, to be honest I could class you as family. My dad treats you as if you are his.. okay, not fully but nearly! I've known you for ages, you's know everything about me, even if I'm not proud of some of the things you know, you's suck it up and help me! After my mum, you's have helped me so much, you's have made me feel so welcome.
You's are amazing and I love you's soooo much.
KDAMLMX forever<3

it's times like these when I miss my mum. when I'm ill and she always knew what to do, she always had a solution, even if it was to lie with her downstairs, it helped..When I was sitting in the car thinking about this, I was also thinking about how much the date 30.04.11 means to me now, I look back on my facebook when I posted pictures before that, I think back to the day I posted it or whatever and remember how happy and easy it was. It kind of makes me feel left out now cause everyone has night ins with there mum and everyones mums are best of friends yet my dad can't do that. He's too busy trying to make sure we're healthy and happy.
Just want my old life back..

now I'm done beliving you, you don't know what I'm feeling.

today is my mums birthday, the time when we're meant to remember her, the time where we are mean't to shed tears over her. Today was one of the hardest days of my life, seeing everyone in my family cry, standing around her grave in the rain with my sister and dad, the only people we have left crying, praying for her to come back. But thats not possible. I just wish we were in spain, everything is so much easier there and partying is the answer for everything:/.

my head is honestly pounding and sitting staring at this blank screen is not helping, might take my medicine soon..

it's times like these when I want to just move away, when you feel all alone with no one to turn to.

29.07.2011

SHE WAS THE LAST PERSON TO TALK TO HER?! why had I never thought this before? my little sister rachel was the last person to see my mum. We had a huge heart to heart last night and we started speaking about mum and she told me how she crys herself to sleep because she doesn't like showing her feelings in public. I asked her what she said to mum and she answered with "Mum said 'bye' and I said 'see you later, love you' and hugged and kissed her and mum replied with 'love you too'" it went silence for a minute, all I could hear were people out on the street and she said "I was the last person to see her, the last person to talk to her.." and all my feelings of feeling sorry for myself lifted of my shoulder and onto hers, all my pittyness went to her, She was like my mums shadow.. she was the one who was the mummys girl, staying home with her while me and my dad went to football games on a saturday. Always sucking up to her but then she confessed to me the only way she can get asleep is if she cries herself to sleep, no other way at all. My sister has turned into the person who inspires me, I wish I could be as strong as her. She thinks it's her fault. She thinks that those words "love you" made her do it. A twelve year old does not deserve that, the shit she has been through already is enough but she believes she should be punished, that she should suffer, not anyone else her.

26.07.2011

Today and yesterday I was at La Marina and went to the beach! loved it, as always.
but today, I was in the pool for atleast 2 hours and then lay out in the sun, I came back inside, I am as red as a tomato:( but it's like a tanny red, so it should all change(a).

i'm begining to miss how you moan at me, i love you.

24.03.2011

Today I'm in a much better mood, I think I just have those days where I sit and look at photo's that remind me of her. Anyway, I have only been here 1-2 days and I'm already tanning/burnt! I'M SO FUCKING PROUD. I am not leaving here without a tan! and this is not over reacted, I will refuse. Today I'm going out for a meal with Katy, Paula and Ron. Not sure if anyone else is going but oh well. Then tonight crashing at katy's and then going to Ayora tomorrow to the market and to pick up my medication. Hopefully everything will go fine.

Being sorounded by people but feeling so alone, feeling like there is no one to talk to.

I look back on when I used to live here, I used to love it! I used to have it sooo easy! I kind of miss it, I have temptations of moving back. The country side, the people, the atmousphere, everything. The school meals, not so much but I would be in high school so it would finish at 2:30, I think. I would be able to make a fresh start, Get a drivers lisscence, be myself.
I wish I could live here again but then I remember everyone and everything at home and I think.. I WANNA GO HOME.
STOP TRYING TO TEMPT ME SPAIN, WITH YOU AND YOUR SUN?!?!

I MISS YOU.
what does that really mean? I want to be with you? I've not seen you in ages, lets meet up? or Wish you were here. We've all said it and claimed we've felt it. But theres a difference between missing and wanting to see.
Missing is how I feel for my mum; wishing she was here every minute of the day. Wanting for her to curl up next to me and tell me it's a silly idea to move to spain and do all those things. At the moment I am feeling both concepts of 'miss' between all my friends and then my mum. I love all my friends but I
know that they'll always be there, they wouldn't choose to leave, where as my mum on the othee hand is a different story, I wonder if it's that I don't forgive her and that's why I constantly write about her, I think it's just with every suicide I read about, theres always a note? there's always a reason. Not here theres not.
There wasn't anything, the thing that I think about the most is her lying there feeling nothing, not even a heartbeat and the car sitting empty with her mobile in it with about 30 missed calls, from everyone. My dad, My gran, me? I think it will take me a long time to forgive her, a VERY long time. She left us when we needed her most but she didn't think we did, she felt useless. It must be horrible to feel like that. She used to try and figure out why I felt like that, she used to sit down and ask me but depression isn't easy to talk about, or easy to explain even. I used to feel empty constantly, I used to feel no love being given to me, I used to do silly things. I think it was the fact I got bullied but then when I went to spain to live, no one gets bullied. Yeah theres a group of popular people and what have you but I had it so easy, no one questioned anything about me, no one questioned my scars, my drawings, me being on my own. They made friends with me, made me feel apart of something then when I found out that I was moving away back to Scotland, it scared me, I got back and tried to be anyone but myself, made up stuff about myself, trying to look good, trying to fit in but the stuff I made up no one had done, I guess it was just me wanting attention but to much attention again led to being depressed, suffering all of it. Mum finding out telling me I had to go to the doctors, Having to explain to her why I done any of those vial things to myself but she didn't listen, she thought it was best. I got put on tablets, Those tablets are the best thing that happened to me, they made me feel normal, not out of control, nothing. Then when we moved up to high school, at first.. I didn't really have anyone, I had some friends but then I met alex&lucy, I'm still friends with them now, they're my bestfriends, they have been there for me through everything, I know I can tell them everything. Well, they know everything so I have nothing to tell but I can always rely on them, the only time I can't is when I feel like I can't but they reassure me that I can.
I don't know what I'd do without them, If I hadn't of met them, I wouldn't be who I am now.. Kirsty Louise Doman.



WOAH ESSAY'S ON THE GO, HAHA!

23.07.2011

Today is one of those days, where I want to sit about and do nothing except remember mum. Remember how she was before everything. Rememeber how she found the silliest things funny yet I'd still laugh with her. Remember how her favourite song was billionaire but then that's remembering not creating new memories, cause I can't. Last night I had a dream and it was that she attempted suicide but didn't suceed and I thought to myself, what would happen if that did happen, either way we would loose her, she would get taken away to some mental home leaving us with dad and us not being able to see her other than weekends. Anyway, I had a dream she died again, like she had survived the suicidal attempt. It was horrible I had to look after her, I had to feed her, clothe her, everything. Obviously my dad done most of it but I had to turn my life around
no more friends, boyfriends, pretty much no more social life. But if I'm being honest, I would rather she was at rest than fighting to live everyday, she would of been in critical condition if that train was any slower with her of been able to live, she would of suffered from brain damage and alot of other horrible things.
I wouldn't be able to live if I knew that she didn't want to live. I wouldn't know what to say, I would want to ask why but why is a big question for only being one word. Why is what everyone aks themselve's.

"if you don't have any regrets you have never tried anything new" - Albert Einstien

when you kiss me on the head and tell me you love me, that's when I feel like I can walk on water.

..

Death itself is horrible, it can be sincerely brutal or can be natural. Everyone has been a victim of it. Even if it was just a pet or someone you loved with all your heart. See the thing is people tell me that they know what I'm going through.. they don't. They say "my gran died early last year, I felt terrible, like your feeling" it's just, my mum had a choice. SHE stood in front of the train. SHE told herself to do it. If there was a machine to find out the last thought on her mind, I would actually do anything for it, just to see if she was well enough to even think about us? It's not that I want to know that she didn't think of us. I want to know that even though the illness had token over her body, she was still inside herself. She was still the mum I knew. The one who done everything for me. Told me to talk to her about anything, tried to give me cheesy advice. The thing is I used to be embarrassed of my mum but if she was to come back for 5 minutes and she happened to embarrass me and my friends disowned me or whatever, I would laugh in there faces and say "well, at least I still have the person that I love the most on my side." Our family has recovered from it, well.. that's a lie. We never speak of it, if we ever bring my mum up, it's about the grave, about all the memories or if either me or Rachel look like her. They would just smile and say "You look like your mum when you do that." It sounds weird but it makes me feel proud that the amazing part of my mum, is in me. But when it comes to how she died, we don't speak of it. We don't speak of that she wasn't well. In a way it has made our family stronger but at the same time, torn us apart, it has made me appreciate my dad so much more. Made me realize, Single parents are there for you, not because they want to look after two hormonal teenage girls but because they love you. My dad has honestly the most positive attitude towards life, ever. Kind of like me.. I always seem happy but when you look at him when he's laughing away, making jokes.. you can tell, just by his facial expressions that all he wants is my mum home, but then everyone does, they just show it in different ways. Like me, I use this, I use music, I use art.. I don't use my real expressions, that just puts everyone else down. We all have to stay strong for each other. After all, we are all still here to make her proud.
R.I.P Mum, 30.04.11<3

CANNOT WAIT TO GET AWAY FROM THIS SHIT HOLE.

I AM SO HAPPY WITH YOU.

someone asked me today, if you knew your mum was leaving, how would you say bye?
I sat, I was speachless.. I don't even know what I would've said or would say to anyone..
I think I'd start of with saying thank you? but I wouldn't be able to say it.. I would probably sit shaking, tears streaming down my face.. I thought if I put it into song but then I wouldn't be able to sing it? I wouldn't even want to say bye.. when I look back, I tremble and my mouth begins to hurt when I remember saying bye to my mum, it was just a simple "thanks for the lift, bye." I don't know, I had something in my head saying hug her? but I chose not to, I wish I did, I wish I held her in my arms and maybe that would've gave her a reason to live, to know that I loved her. That would've been a good enough reason wouldn't it of been? I felt like I had so many signals, I just never thought anything of them. Like the week before we were talking about suicide in science with Mr.Grant, people questioning why anyone would actually bring themselves to that? Then the night before, I recieved one of those pointless text messages, the chain ones that said something along the lines "if you don't send this on you're mum will die." I was like naaah, that would never happen to me but the thing is it did? I sit and wonder all the time, was it because of that? I just, every time I walk out my door.. I picture that morning, walking along the path in the garden her stopping in the middle of it saying "kirsty, theres your lunch money" and me answering "nah, I have some" with her facial expressions confused and I told her that dad had gave me £10 at the beginning of the week seen as she was living with my gran, she just put her money back in her purse and said "aw, okay" then driving to school in the car with "someone like you" on the radio.. I found that quite ironik aswell, just the words.. it breaks my heart to think like that but I can't help it, then the car coming to a stop at the co-op and me saying "thanks mum:), see you tonight bye"
I just wish, that daily routine was still on going and running but it's not - she's gone forever, nothing will ever bring her back.

Making mistakes are so easy when you're me but I think I've just made one of the biggest mistakes I could've ever made. 

I'm sick of people telling me what to do, for people telling me what they thinks best. I'm such an idiot, I believe them and do as they say but not this time. I'm doing this for me, my sister and my dad. They are both amazing and they deserve to know the truth like it is. Even if it does hurt. Hopefully the summer will help us spend more time with eachother, then I will be able to tell them. They are the best thing that has happened to me in my whole entire life, They need to know.

AMAZING.

this weekend has been amazing, friday was fucking amazing, soooo funny! yesterday I sat in bed all day then went to scotty's bbq, it was quite bad at first and I thought it was going to be shit but then me, amie, lucy, nicole and emma went to day today and got drink.. BEST THING WE HAVE EVER DONE! me and emma were strolling along home at like half eleven got home at about quater past twelve and then went back out, hahahahaha! ROLL ON THE SUMMER.

nothing will ever come between us, cause I'll be standing right next to you.

Doctors this morning.. I got out of my english play.. don't even know how lucky I feel:D! but then I have to go back for techy and stuff, which isn't that bad I suppose:)

ACTUALLY FUCKING RAGING.

thought I could trust you's but instead, you's just hide things from me considering I told you everything?! you's just stab me in the back constantly.. always leave me out, I actually am begining to wonder who my real friends are, you's said that you's were going to help me get through this, help me, be there for me.. but instead your just making it difficult.. I just wish I had someone here to actually talk to, for someone to be able to understand me..

TAKE THAT TOMORROW... ACTUALLY BUZZING.
NO IDEA WHAT TO WEARRRRR:(

You got that smile, that only heaven can make. I pray to god everyday that you keep that smile. You are my dream, there's not a thing I won't do. I'd give up my life all for you cause you are my dream.

trust no one but yourself!

Have you ever sat and thought? who actually are my real friends, should I trust them?
I'm at that stage at the moment, everyone seems to be just stabbing me in the back at the moment.. I may not show it but it hurts, hurts worse than a bee sting on the lip. To be honest, I don't even know what to say anymore, I wish I had it easy like I used to. I wish I never had to constantly worry. I wish I had my old life back.
Will I ever be able to have my life back into a healthy shape?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the prettiest girl in the whole wide world 

Sunshine is falling 
Over my head 
Turtle doves are calling 
Good morning friend 

I've got the prettiest girl in the whole wide world 
And nobody can take her from me. 
And in the evening when she goes out walking alone 
I waited all patiently 

I've never been so happy 
I've never been so sure 
Ooooh 

Red roses blooming 
All unaware 
Of seasons turning 
Of coming here 

I've got the prettiest girl in the whole wide world 
And nobody can take her from me. 

And in the evening when she goes out walking alone 
I waited all patiently 

I've never been so happy 
I've never been so sure 

I've got the prettiest girl in the world 
And I'm in love with her. 

I've got the prettiest girl in the whole wide world 
And nobody can take her from me. 
And in the evening when she goes out walking alone 
I waited all patiently 

I've Never been so happy 
I've never been so sure 

I've got the prettiest girl in the world 
And I'm in love with her.

bought it yesterday; heaven on earth. "should've kissed you" and "next2you" best. songs. ever.

I miss you so much, no one will ever understand. I miss you more and more eachday. Our memories grow stronger yet fade at the same time each day more and more.

You know the feeling when you just want to curl up in a ball and block out the world? I've been feeling that for a long time now. Always just wanting to ignore things that are happening around me, especially backstabbing bitches and pathetic little arguments. Around every corner is another argument or reason to get at eachother, I can't wait for summer to just have so many days with blank plans where I can do what I want.. lie in the feild behind my house if I wanted to.. go out with friends, take fudge a walk, anything. I hate feeling like this but I guess it's my turn to feel like this then eh?

hate when people judge you for the things you do, they usually don't even know the story behind it. Why judge someone when you don't have a clean plate yourself? Why bring someone down because you don't agree with something they done or said. Everyone is their own personal experiment in life, You can do what you want, not listen to people who think they're amazing. Someone the other day said to me " Kirsty, I wish I reacted to things like you do, you just let it blow past you even if it's bad things" it's cause I don't give a fucking shit what people think about me, if I like someone or something.. I'm gonna make my own decisions, I'm not gonna sit back and not enjoy myself cause it won't look good.. like when people try to stop me for doing embarrassing stuff.. I enjoy myself and I was meant to do it, if your head is telling you something you are meant to do it, not let it pass by. You are drawn a path and if you don't follow it cause of dick heads, your loss not theirs, they don't care about you. Be yourself.

People are pricks. I'm going back to Lord of the rings.

I do some crazy things but I never thought I'd go this far... why did I do this to myself? hopefully it grows back fast.

Fuck what people want you to do. Be who you want to be. Do what you want to do. This is your life no one else's. Listen to the music you want to listen to. If it doesn't suit you, don't try to make it suit you. Take chances, take risks. No one can make you be someone your not. Live life the way you want.

It's amazing how much thinking you can do in one day, even if it's something you don't want to think about you still do.. You feed of the thoughts flying about your head to keep you occupied, like when you're trying to get to sleep and all you can think about is people you miss, bad things, things that could of happened, things that wouldn't of happened if you never done small things. So much running through my mind at the moment.. like if I never went to school on the 30th of march, My mum would still be hear, our family wouldn't be in pieces. I wouldn't have to question who is going to be the grandma on my side of the family to my children. Who's going to help me with marrige, Who's going to help me when boys begin to break my heart. Who am I going to tell about life experiences? How can someone be so depressed, that they feel nothing.. Nothing at all. How can you just think "this is the end" when you have an amazing family, a beautiful 12 year old daughter - Rachel Doman and a 14 year old daughter - Me, Kirsty Louise Doman. An amazing husband - Kevin Stanley Doman. It's amazing how depression and other illnesses power against your brain, tell you wrong descisions. Try and convince you that you are no longer worthy of living day to day life like cooking for your family, house work, going to work every weekday and usually weekends. Preparing holidays, It's funny, I always wonder what I'd be like if it never happened, I wouldn't appreciate half of the things I do now, I never used to appreciate anything, I used to always argue with her.. I grew apart from her since her illness, it ruined our family and now we're slowly having to pick up the pieces without her.. it's terrible. We all have to live off the amazing times we had with her when she was alive and healthy not when she was like earlier this year and late last year. It's hard to enjoy anything now, like when I was in Italy.. I'd be enjoying myself and then I'd remember, it's exactly the same with my dad.. He thinks that he needs to be strong for us but we all know that he's a mess inside.. he still sleeps on the same side he used to sleep on every night as they used to when she was here.. he has her old pyjamas put in the place where they always were.. Her side of the room where her drawers are full of her clothes, have not been touched since. Everything, her toothbrush, her bag, her keys. I think it just kills us to actually begin to box her away forever.. I will never get over that feeling when they said to me "mum's dead." out of my head, My legs turned into jelly and whenever I think about it now, it transfers into a horrible lump at the back of my throat. Other people have moved on and accepted it. When people see me they say "that's the girl who's mum commited suicide" but the thing is for me, it's different. It will never ever be the same without her here, I expected to be alot older before I had to go through all this, if anything late 40's but I was about 35 years off. Today at school in RMPS they asked us "where is home to you?" I was praying that they wouldn't ask me indavidually cause I knew my answer as soon as they wrote it on the dirty white board covered in black smudges in the corner. I said in my head "mum" I knew I couldn't of said it, it always makes everything awkward when I bring it up or people say mum, they always look at me like I'm going to take a fit. Mr. Edwards finally got around to me and looked at me "so Kirsty, where is your home?" I said to myself in my head "where my mum is" but how stupid would that sound.. she's in a coffin in the ground, so I just shrugged my shoulders cluelessly and said "I don't know" Everyone accepted it and fell for it, like the smile I put on my face everyday.. I've been getting better and better at it. I guess practice does make perfect. They don't lie when they say that.

I wish I could just move away. Start fresh, maybe the people there would be more sympathetic that I'm always going to be touchy about my mum but yet, no one stops and thinks about what they say. Wish it was as easy as it was when she was here, She always knew what to say but now I just need to feed off the memories I had with her when she was here.

My body clock is actually fucked. Sunday night because I was coming home from italy I went to sleep at about 2 and got woken up at half three to get on the channel tunnel and yesterday I went to bed at half eleven and then got up at ten to one and now today I went to bed at twenty five to twelve and got up at ten to seven, when I usually get up at about 7:30 ish? help meeeeeeeeeeeee:(

It's amazing how you can go from one feeling to another in seconds, like when you think that nothing could ruin that mood when you feel on top of the world and then BOOM it's like a bomb has just hit you and you've came crashing down. I hate it. I hate when you find out something you didn't want to believe or didn't want to find out. Even if it is necasary to know, but then when you want to know.. there is no way of finding out. Like when you see a relationship changed on facebook from in an amazing and serious relationship to single, You always want to know or atliest ponder upon it but then when it's something about you or who you like or even family, You think, I don't wanna know, it will just make me upset. This is possibly one of the worst feelings anyone could ever feel, knowing this is important enough to actually ruin your mood that took place a few moments ago is what gets to me.. Complete and utter shambles.

You are all I feel.

it's weird..

You know, it's weird. I'm usually reading other peoples blogs, reading there problems, there thoughts but I'm trying it out for myself, I've always fancied it although never thought I'd actually try it out. Probably won't be as good as I want to be and as good as I think I am but I'm going to try. Writings been my hobby for a while just never published any of it. I have so many thoughts and feelings on everything. Ugh well.. here it goes, the start of a new blog:)