I never thought it was actually possible to hate yourself so much but its not just my appearance that I hate, its the way I amen't able to deal with situations, the way I amen't able to get attached in anyway at all, the way I think.. it sounds stupid but I am just glad no one can hear my thoughts cause if they could I would no longer have friends as I imagine they would tell everyone, not that I have that many friends anyway. I hate the fact I can't make decisions properly for myself, I just do not want this operation  I do not want to be stuck in a fucking hospital in New Year cause I know I will just sit there feeling sorry for myself and probably just cry, knowing that I am going to be stuck there for at least two weeks. I just wish I was normal, just a normal person. Without the scoliosis, without the constant thoughts about killing myself, without the background of not having a mum, without my whole fucking entire background. I just hate Kirsty. I look in the mirror and then I think back to when I was younger and used to look in the mirror, I can't even see myself anymore. I just see this girl who is so lost in her own mess and is screaming to get out but everyone just assumes for me to be okay. If I amen't they will just tell me to suck it up but you know what, I am sure if you were in my position you would not be able to do that. I am beyond breaking point, I just want this all to be over.

I just wish there was another me out there. It sounds stupid, right? Not completely the same just someone who knew what I was going through, that could guide me to happiness. Someone who could tell me what I am doing is either right or wrong. I am so lost in my own thoughts. I have so much shit in my life going on, nothing ever seems to get better for me. I know everyone has their own problems and it is selfish of me wanting this but I really really need someone to understand me but if I ever open up to anyone with all my feelings, they probably will never talk to me ever again. Why can't life just be simple?

this is my life now, so why should I sit about moaning, I should embrace it and learn to enjoy it.

sometimes when I see you two together, I can't help but to look and wonder, do they miss me? do they think about me? do they want to be the 'three' again? or is it just me. Is it just me that always wonders if you would actually bet there for me if I needed it. I guess we're all caught up in all our own lifes but well, I guess this is my life now. Looking at my little people I trust sheet from counciling and I have 2 people on it who are not family and frankly I don't even know if I trust them people 100%. It's hard to tell who I trust anymore. I don't even trust myself. I hate feeling like this. Sick off having a feeling off something being missing inside off me but I guess this is me now, this is how it has panned out. I didn't ask for this to happen, I guess it just did.

when while I stop feeling alone? when while I stop feeling like I am the worst off the worst. I actually hate myself. if you aren't one off them, you are nothing. Looks like I am nothing. Can't wait to move away and just be happy.

I feel as if you are embarrassed that you are with me:(.

I dunno why but I am sooo happy. Everything is kind of perfect! I have everyone I need and have got rid off them horrible braces!! haha. I is soooooooo happy.

I want to move away, somewhere no one knows me. I fucking hate it here. I want my mummy home:(

Me:)

I want you here with me. I want you here, to tell me all these stupid rummors that are getting to my head when I am alone aren't true. I want you to tell me she is lying and he has never done anything like that to me before and it never will. I just want to know for sure it's not true without doubting it all the fucking time then ending up being blunt to him because I don't mean any off it, I just can't help my thoughts. I just want to be home with you, where ever that is. My life is so fucked up, I hate it so much. I miss you:(

I can't wait to move away. I hate it here. Haddington is terrible. It is too small, everyone knows everything about eachother. Everyone tries to be different but it just so happens they are all the same. I have lost so many people it is unreal. Lost so many people that I would love sooo much to get back, but fuck it. Everything happens for a reason. God bless. To be honest, With my mum gone, I have realized who actually stuck to their word and who actually was just mind fucks. I've not just lost her, I have lost everything and everyone. But I am sitting thinking about this, when I am older if I do not want any of these people to be in my life, they don't have to be. I decide. I only have to put up with them for 2-3 years. Then me and Jack can fuck off and move somewhere better than this shit hole. I wish I had some guidance but all I have is a fucked up life.