I told you I wasn't tired but really I was doing everything I could to stay awake just so I could talk to you. 

My heart feels like it has literally been ripped out my chest. 

"I bite my lip when I miss you and lately my mouth has been so full of blood I can barely speak. I'm not even sure if it's my own blood. My mother is worried. Jesus Christ. I'm worried. You say you lost feelings but I lost my fucking mind."

Can I please just fall asleep tonight and not wake up? So really it's not my fault I'm dead and people don't blame themselves that it just happened with no explination. Guilt free and pain free well at least for me anyway. 

So I guess I was right, this whole time you had been losing interest in me and I can only blame myself. I'm sorry I'm not what I seemed at the begining and I'm sorry I'm so fucked up. I know I am, what people think is in depth, I think ten times more in depth, my head is literally the most disgusting place on this earth. I just wished you could have loved me like I loved you cause you're my baby, you're mine. No one else can have you and I say that with strength and anger. It makes me physically sick to think that you now can text other girls and look at other girls, etc. I don't want that for you, I gave you my all and that wasn't enough, it kills me when I repeat the words you said to me in my head 'I did love you but I lost feelings and interest' I wish I could have lived up to the full potential of your expectations but the thing is I'm different. Not in a good way different, what so ever. The worst possible different in the world. I guide myself with my heart and this is why has tripped myself up this time, you. I fell for you big time and I planned ahead but little did I know you were slowly falling out of love with me. This has destroyed me. I'm not in love anymore, I'm out of love. 

That scares me far too much for my liking😰

I don't know why I like being with you so much cause I know as soon as you leave I will be a depressed fuck. I hate myself. 

There's not a day that goes by them at it don't think about ending it all, ending the constant need for happiness. Why must I be so independent on others

Can we please just go back to when we were normal. Like I don't mean cliché shite, I mean us like when you put me before everyone and you made me feel like the only person in the world, you were my anti-depressants, you were the tablets I need to take every morning to assure that I'm going to have an 'okay' day and that I do not have a mental breakdown in public because apparently mental health problems are not socially acceptable. Now that's all fucking gone and we've turned to shit, all cause of one fucking time, I don't even know what to say. You can make me the happiest person on earth, genuinely, you can make me feel like no one else on this fucking shitty planet matters but then you can just turn around and make me feel like utter dog shit. You don't even know you have the power to do that. It can be the way you tell me that you love me, it can be the way you leave me to go out, I don't even know, I just want to know that you love me like I love you and it's fucking eating me alive that you can easily find someone ten times better than me. It hurts me to think that you are just a boy -sexism right here- and you can just forget about me and go off and 'shag' someone else and not feel a fucking thing, absolutely nothing. It fucking scares me that the way you make me feel, in general not sexually, you can make someone else feel, it physically hurts me, I can feel it as if I've been fucking shot. Not even just in the arm or in the leg, right in my heart, the place that I designate for you. This is so disgustingly cringey but it is how i feel and I just fucking wish, I wish to my bones that I was able to say this to you. I tried to but you just kind of brushed me off with an 'I love you too' and I know I'm being selfish and I know so many girls would be even grateful with the attention but I'm fucked up, you know that, I have told you everything you need to know about me. I know it's not been against my own will, I know that, I was drunk when I told you but still I told you. I have told you in greater deph than I have ever told anyone else and it pains me to even say this but I love you, like I said you are my anti-depressant, you just don't know that and I don't think you realise the responsibility you have on me and I don't think I want you to have that responsibility. I don't want anyone to have that responsibility on me other than my prescription I am prescribed with. 

I fucking hate myself. 

favourite picture of me and jake, ever xxx