I love you but I don't, that's the thing. I completely and 100% love you, I just don't feel like this is for us, I would like to think that we could be together for a lot longer but I don't feel we can. I just don't and I don't like it, I love you more than anything, I just don't want to be a second choice:(

Enjoy :)

http://yoursincerelykirsty.blogspot.co.uk/

❤️

God, I miss you. I'm constantly counting down the days until I don't.

Dear Mum,

Well, I was reading through this blog and tearing back all the cobwebs from the posts that I posted back when I was 14. Broken with loads of unanswered questions with most of them being why. Why did this have to happen? But over the past few years since then, I have realized that you shouldn't ask why, you need to be happy because no matter how much you want it back, you had it. Even if it was just a little while, you were happy and you will be happy again. Yeah, there will be scars left on you whether they are mentally or physical, that's your choice really. You can recover from anything, that's how I'm starting to see things. Throughout the post I had wrote about you, I had mentioned that I was scared as to who was going to be here for me when boys started breaking my heart and I was right, they have broke my heart. They have left me smashed into a million pieces with no intention of helping me piece myself back together. But yet, I am still here. I'm sure as you are watching, you realize how much both of those occasions being very difficult for me. You've also probably seen so much you did not want to see, I'm sorry about that. I guess you would of had to see it sometime soon. It must hurt being up there and seeing me destroy my body and not be able to even try and tell me to stop but I'm sure you will tell me somehow. I don't really know why I'm writing this, mum. I guess I just miss you and I need to tell someone how I feel, 100% and seen as you can't have an opinion as I'm your daughter, you just need to listen. Or at least that's how I'm feeling right now. I guess, I just love him, mum. And I know you know that, you would of seen my endless tears, my hurting, my persistence to make things right. He's still in my life and I continue to get false hope but then again, I don't know if it is false hope or not. He made me the happiest person ever, mum. It was so unreal, it felt like something out of a film. I seen myself with him when I grew old. But here I am at 17 and I'm still questioning things about you leaving us and I think that's what has made me slightly unordinary and fucked up. I'm sorry for saying that, it's just I don't know how else to put it. I rely on other people too much, I rely on them to make me happy. I'm just so useless half the time and I don't know how I'm meant to react towards everything. I love you, mum. I love you more than anything. And when it comes to missing you, I don't even know where to begin. I'm sorry for not thinking of you as much as I should do and not visiting you. I just can't bring myself to do it, seeing your name on the grave stone just rips my heart out of my rib cage and the fact that it says "mother to Kirsty and Rachel" makes it even more real and even though it's been 3 years now I can't deal with reality. You are supposed to be here. Please come home soon.

I love and miss you, forever.
Kirsty x

You said you lost feelings but I lost my fucking mind

Please please please come today. Please, please, please. 

I just want you. 

I just want all this to end, I want things back to normal.😔 I want to be happy but happy with you. I miss you a ridiculous amount, I ache for you and you don't even bat an eyelashe for me. I feel so alone, you filled that space inside of me that had been there for a very long time and now it's back to the way it was. I can't help but think of you and everything we used to do together. I just want to see you again, just me and you. I constantly have to fight back that lump in my throat whenever anyone mentions you. I want you to love me like I love you.😔😔

I told you I wasn't tired but really I was doing everything I could to stay awake just so I could talk to you. 

My heart feels like it has literally been ripped out my chest. 

"I bite my lip when I miss you and lately my mouth has been so full of blood I can barely speak. I'm not even sure if it's my own blood. My mother is worried. Jesus Christ. I'm worried. You say you lost feelings but I lost my fucking mind."

Can I please just fall asleep tonight and not wake up? So really it's not my fault I'm dead and people don't blame themselves that it just happened with no explination. Guilt free and pain free well at least for me anyway. 

So I guess I was right, this whole time you had been losing interest in me and I can only blame myself. I'm sorry I'm not what I seemed at the begining and I'm sorry I'm so fucked up. I know I am, what people think is in depth, I think ten times more in depth, my head is literally the most disgusting place on this earth. I just wished you could have loved me like I loved you cause you're my baby, you're mine. No one else can have you and I say that with strength and anger. It makes me physically sick to think that you now can text other girls and look at other girls, etc. I don't want that for you, I gave you my all and that wasn't enough, it kills me when I repeat the words you said to me in my head 'I did love you but I lost feelings and interest' I wish I could have lived up to the full potential of your expectations but the thing is I'm different. Not in a good way different, what so ever. The worst possible different in the world. I guide myself with my heart and this is why has tripped myself up this time, you. I fell for you big time and I planned ahead but little did I know you were slowly falling out of love with me. This has destroyed me. I'm not in love anymore, I'm out of love. 

That scares me far too much for my liking😰

I don't know why I like being with you so much cause I know as soon as you leave I will be a depressed fuck. I hate myself. 

There's not a day that goes by them at it don't think about ending it all, ending the constant need for happiness. Why must I be so independent on others

Can we please just go back to when we were normal. Like I don't mean cliché shite, I mean us like when you put me before everyone and you made me feel like the only person in the world, you were my anti-depressants, you were the tablets I need to take every morning to assure that I'm going to have an 'okay' day and that I do not have a mental breakdown in public because apparently mental health problems are not socially acceptable. Now that's all fucking gone and we've turned to shit, all cause of one fucking time, I don't even know what to say. You can make me the happiest person on earth, genuinely, you can make me feel like no one else on this fucking shitty planet matters but then you can just turn around and make me feel like utter dog shit. You don't even know you have the power to do that. It can be the way you tell me that you love me, it can be the way you leave me to go out, I don't even know, I just want to know that you love me like I love you and it's fucking eating me alive that you can easily find someone ten times better than me. It hurts me to think that you are just a boy -sexism right here- and you can just forget about me and go off and 'shag' someone else and not feel a fucking thing, absolutely nothing. It fucking scares me that the way you make me feel, in general not sexually, you can make someone else feel, it physically hurts me, I can feel it as if I've been fucking shot. Not even just in the arm or in the leg, right in my heart, the place that I designate for you. This is so disgustingly cringey but it is how i feel and I just fucking wish, I wish to my bones that I was able to say this to you. I tried to but you just kind of brushed me off with an 'I love you too' and I know I'm being selfish and I know so many girls would be even grateful with the attention but I'm fucked up, you know that, I have told you everything you need to know about me. I know it's not been against my own will, I know that, I was drunk when I told you but still I told you. I have told you in greater deph than I have ever told anyone else and it pains me to even say this but I love you, like I said you are my anti-depressant, you just don't know that and I don't think you realise the responsibility you have on me and I don't think I want you to have that responsibility. I don't want anyone to have that responsibility on me other than my prescription I am prescribed with. 

I fucking hate myself. 

favourite picture of me and jake, ever xxx

This time 3 years ago, my world fell apart. You were gone and left my life for good. I don't know whether it was for better or for worse because I will never know what would of happened if you had stayed. If you had chose to live that is. However 3 years on and I still think of you everyday, I still remember the last thing you said to me, the last time I saw you. I know everything happened that morning when I last saw you, everything. The song on the radio, the weather, what I was thinking of, the way I felt like I should have hugged you before I got out the car but I never. I will always regret that. I will always regret not valuing that goodbye to the full potential. I regret that I no longer told you that I loved you whenever I left you. I miss you mum, everything is so different and difficult. I have had to figure out so much for myself and now Rachel is doing the same, I'm trying hard to help her but she's too much like you, stubborn to lets say the least. I'm going to hold her hand through every hard situation she comes across and I'm sure you will be on the other side holding her hand too. Happy mothers day, mum. You were truly the best mum anyone could have asked for and you taught me everything I needed to know for the rest of my life in the 13 years I lived with you. Love and miss you like crazy. xxx

I miss you millions david, I think about you everyday! Forever in my heart, Rest in peace💖

He's all mine😋💏

why do I feel so fucking shit all the time?

The best of the best

I over think and worry all the time. It always gets the better of me😔

I'm unbelievably in love with you and it makes me ridiculously happy. You are my favourite person in the whole wide world.

It's unreal how disappointed you can make me feel, I don't see why I get my hopes up anyway cause the same thing happens everytime, I would rather you just told me the truth than trying to make me feel better with a lie. Surely you already knew that you were doing that, I give up.

I'm so smitten, it's unreal🙉🙉🙉🙉

You are so perfect. Ughhhh, I crave every single bit of you, everyday! Every little detail about you is amazing. I can't chose just one aspect of you that I prefer to all the other parts of you. You are mine and I am incredibly proud, grateful and happy. 

You are my favourite and I mean that. I cannot remember being this happy for a very very very long time.

You never fail to amaze me when I realise I love you more than the day before🙈

Me and my bubba on v day, it's actually scary as to how much he means to me💙

He is 100% the best thing to have happened to me in a long time

I'm so good at bottling things up.

Why do I always worry about the stuppidest things? I am so paranoid all the time, I feel like I ament good enough for anyone never even mind him and it's actually eating me alive!

I love him lots

I really need to re-evaluate my friends. I do not understand when they want me to do something that is going to make them happy and not me they expect me to go along with it but whenever I even ask if they can even just do something that I want to do for once, they avoid it completely and I am sick of being that person everyone just expects everything from.

Can someone just explain to me why I feel like this?