shittest day I've had in a long time..

he is like sex to my ears.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXUSaVw3Mvk&feature=relmfu

wish I was in spain.

These are the people I owe my life to. They got me through thick and thin. They were there when no one was, They helped me as much as they could. They picked me up when I was down. You's are my bestfriends and I couldn't ask for better friends. You only want whats best for me, to be honest I could class you as family. My dad treats you as if you are his.. okay, not fully but nearly! I've known you for ages, you's know everything about me, even if I'm not proud of some of the things you know, you's suck it up and help me! After my mum, you's have helped me so much, you's have made me feel so welcome.
You's are amazing and I love you's soooo much.
KDAMLMX forever<3

it's times like these when I miss my mum. when I'm ill and she always knew what to do, she always had a solution, even if it was to lie with her downstairs, it helped..When I was sitting in the car thinking about this, I was also thinking about how much the date 30.04.11 means to me now, I look back on my facebook when I posted pictures before that, I think back to the day I posted it or whatever and remember how happy and easy it was. It kind of makes me feel left out now cause everyone has night ins with there mum and everyones mums are best of friends yet my dad can't do that. He's too busy trying to make sure we're healthy and happy.
Just want my old life back..

now I'm done beliving you, you don't know what I'm feeling.

today is my mums birthday, the time when we're meant to remember her, the time where we are mean't to shed tears over her. Today was one of the hardest days of my life, seeing everyone in my family cry, standing around her grave in the rain with my sister and dad, the only people we have left crying, praying for her to come back. But thats not possible. I just wish we were in spain, everything is so much easier there and partying is the answer for everything:/.

my head is honestly pounding and sitting staring at this blank screen is not helping, might take my medicine soon..

it's times like these when I want to just move away, when you feel all alone with no one to turn to.

29.07.2011

SHE WAS THE LAST PERSON TO TALK TO HER?! why had I never thought this before? my little sister rachel was the last person to see my mum. We had a huge heart to heart last night and we started speaking about mum and she told me how she crys herself to sleep because she doesn't like showing her feelings in public. I asked her what she said to mum and she answered with "Mum said 'bye' and I said 'see you later, love you' and hugged and kissed her and mum replied with 'love you too'" it went silence for a minute, all I could hear were people out on the street and she said "I was the last person to see her, the last person to talk to her.." and all my feelings of feeling sorry for myself lifted of my shoulder and onto hers, all my pittyness went to her, She was like my mums shadow.. she was the one who was the mummys girl, staying home with her while me and my dad went to football games on a saturday. Always sucking up to her but then she confessed to me the only way she can get asleep is if she cries herself to sleep, no other way at all. My sister has turned into the person who inspires me, I wish I could be as strong as her. She thinks it's her fault. She thinks that those words "love you" made her do it. A twelve year old does not deserve that, the shit she has been through already is enough but she believes she should be punished, that she should suffer, not anyone else her.

26.07.2011

Today and yesterday I was at La Marina and went to the beach! loved it, as always.
but today, I was in the pool for atleast 2 hours and then lay out in the sun, I came back inside, I am as red as a tomato:( but it's like a tanny red, so it should all change(a).

i'm begining to miss how you moan at me, i love you.

24.03.2011

Today I'm in a much better mood, I think I just have those days where I sit and look at photo's that remind me of her. Anyway, I have only been here 1-2 days and I'm already tanning/burnt! I'M SO FUCKING PROUD. I am not leaving here without a tan! and this is not over reacted, I will refuse. Today I'm going out for a meal with Katy, Paula and Ron. Not sure if anyone else is going but oh well. Then tonight crashing at katy's and then going to Ayora tomorrow to the market and to pick up my medication. Hopefully everything will go fine.

Being sorounded by people but feeling so alone, feeling like there is no one to talk to.

I look back on when I used to live here, I used to love it! I used to have it sooo easy! I kind of miss it, I have temptations of moving back. The country side, the people, the atmousphere, everything. The school meals, not so much but I would be in high school so it would finish at 2:30, I think. I would be able to make a fresh start, Get a drivers lisscence, be myself.
I wish I could live here again but then I remember everyone and everything at home and I think.. I WANNA GO HOME.
STOP TRYING TO TEMPT ME SPAIN, WITH YOU AND YOUR SUN?!?!

I MISS YOU.
what does that really mean? I want to be with you? I've not seen you in ages, lets meet up? or Wish you were here. We've all said it and claimed we've felt it. But theres a difference between missing and wanting to see.
Missing is how I feel for my mum; wishing she was here every minute of the day. Wanting for her to curl up next to me and tell me it's a silly idea to move to spain and do all those things. At the moment I am feeling both concepts of 'miss' between all my friends and then my mum. I love all my friends but I
know that they'll always be there, they wouldn't choose to leave, where as my mum on the othee hand is a different story, I wonder if it's that I don't forgive her and that's why I constantly write about her, I think it's just with every suicide I read about, theres always a note? there's always a reason. Not here theres not.
There wasn't anything, the thing that I think about the most is her lying there feeling nothing, not even a heartbeat and the car sitting empty with her mobile in it with about 30 missed calls, from everyone. My dad, My gran, me? I think it will take me a long time to forgive her, a VERY long time. She left us when we needed her most but she didn't think we did, she felt useless. It must be horrible to feel like that. She used to try and figure out why I felt like that, she used to sit down and ask me but depression isn't easy to talk about, or easy to explain even. I used to feel empty constantly, I used to feel no love being given to me, I used to do silly things. I think it was the fact I got bullied but then when I went to spain to live, no one gets bullied. Yeah theres a group of popular people and what have you but I had it so easy, no one questioned anything about me, no one questioned my scars, my drawings, me being on my own. They made friends with me, made me feel apart of something then when I found out that I was moving away back to Scotland, it scared me, I got back and tried to be anyone but myself, made up stuff about myself, trying to look good, trying to fit in but the stuff I made up no one had done, I guess it was just me wanting attention but to much attention again led to being depressed, suffering all of it. Mum finding out telling me I had to go to the doctors, Having to explain to her why I done any of those vial things to myself but she didn't listen, she thought it was best. I got put on tablets, Those tablets are the best thing that happened to me, they made me feel normal, not out of control, nothing. Then when we moved up to high school, at first.. I didn't really have anyone, I had some friends but then I met alex&lucy, I'm still friends with them now, they're my bestfriends, they have been there for me through everything, I know I can tell them everything. Well, they know everything so I have nothing to tell but I can always rely on them, the only time I can't is when I feel like I can't but they reassure me that I can.
I don't know what I'd do without them, If I hadn't of met them, I wouldn't be who I am now.. Kirsty Louise Doman.



WOAH ESSAY'S ON THE GO, HAHA!

23.07.2011

Today is one of those days, where I want to sit about and do nothing except remember mum. Remember how she was before everything. Rememeber how she found the silliest things funny yet I'd still laugh with her. Remember how her favourite song was billionaire but then that's remembering not creating new memories, cause I can't. Last night I had a dream and it was that she attempted suicide but didn't suceed and I thought to myself, what would happen if that did happen, either way we would loose her, she would get taken away to some mental home leaving us with dad and us not being able to see her other than weekends. Anyway, I had a dream she died again, like she had survived the suicidal attempt. It was horrible I had to look after her, I had to feed her, clothe her, everything. Obviously my dad done most of it but I had to turn my life around
no more friends, boyfriends, pretty much no more social life. But if I'm being honest, I would rather she was at rest than fighting to live everyday, she would of been in critical condition if that train was any slower with her of been able to live, she would of suffered from brain damage and alot of other horrible things.
I wouldn't be able to live if I knew that she didn't want to live. I wouldn't know what to say, I would want to ask why but why is a big question for only being one word. Why is what everyone aks themselve's.