23.07.2011

Today is one of those days, where I want to sit about and do nothing except remember mum. Remember how she was before everything. Rememeber how she found the silliest things funny yet I'd still laugh with her. Remember how her favourite song was billionaire but then that's remembering not creating new memories, cause I can't. Last night I had a dream and it was that she attempted suicide but didn't suceed and I thought to myself, what would happen if that did happen, either way we would loose her, she would get taken away to some mental home leaving us with dad and us not being able to see her other than weekends. Anyway, I had a dream she died again, like she had survived the suicidal attempt. It was horrible I had to look after her, I had to feed her, clothe her, everything. Obviously my dad done most of it but I had to turn my life around
no more friends, boyfriends, pretty much no more social life. But if I'm being honest, I would rather she was at rest than fighting to live everyday, she would of been in critical condition if that train was any slower with her of been able to live, she would of suffered from brain damage and alot of other horrible things.
I wouldn't be able to live if I knew that she didn't want to live. I wouldn't know what to say, I would want to ask why but why is a big question for only being one word. Why is what everyone aks themselve's.