someone asked me today, if you knew your mum was leaving, how would you say bye?
I sat, I was speachless.. I don't even know what I would've said or would say to anyone..
I think I'd start of with saying thank you? but I wouldn't be able to say it.. I would probably sit shaking, tears streaming down my face.. I thought if I put it into song but then I wouldn't be able to sing it? I wouldn't even want to say bye.. when I look back, I tremble and my mouth begins to hurt when I remember saying bye to my mum, it was just a simple "thanks for the lift, bye." I don't know, I had something in my head saying hug her? but I chose not to, I wish I did, I wish I held her in my arms and maybe that would've gave her a reason to live, to know that I loved her. That would've been a good enough reason wouldn't it of been? I felt like I had so many signals, I just never thought anything of them. Like the week before we were talking about suicide in science with Mr.Grant, people questioning why anyone would actually bring themselves to that? Then the night before, I recieved one of those pointless text messages, the chain ones that said something along the lines "if you don't send this on you're mum will die." I was like naaah, that would never happen to me but the thing is it did? I sit and wonder all the time, was it because of that? I just, every time I walk out my door.. I picture that morning, walking along the path in the garden her stopping in the middle of it saying "kirsty, theres your lunch money" and me answering "nah, I have some" with her facial expressions confused and I told her that dad had gave me £10 at the beginning of the week seen as she was living with my gran, she just put her money back in her purse and said "aw, okay" then driving to school in the car with "someone like you" on the radio.. I found that quite ironik aswell, just the words.. it breaks my heart to think like that but I can't help it, then the car coming to a stop at the co-op and me saying "thanks mum:), see you tonight bye"
I just wish, that daily routine was still on going and running but it's not - she's gone forever, nothing will ever bring her back.

Making mistakes are so easy when you're me but I think I've just made one of the biggest mistakes I could've ever made. 

I'm sick of people telling me what to do, for people telling me what they thinks best. I'm such an idiot, I believe them and do as they say but not this time. I'm doing this for me, my sister and my dad. They are both amazing and they deserve to know the truth like it is. Even if it does hurt. Hopefully the summer will help us spend more time with eachother, then I will be able to tell them. They are the best thing that has happened to me in my whole entire life, They need to know.

AMAZING.

this weekend has been amazing, friday was fucking amazing, soooo funny! yesterday I sat in bed all day then went to scotty's bbq, it was quite bad at first and I thought it was going to be shit but then me, amie, lucy, nicole and emma went to day today and got drink.. BEST THING WE HAVE EVER DONE! me and emma were strolling along home at like half eleven got home at about quater past twelve and then went back out, hahahahaha! ROLL ON THE SUMMER.

nothing will ever come between us, cause I'll be standing right next to you.

Doctors this morning.. I got out of my english play.. don't even know how lucky I feel:D! but then I have to go back for techy and stuff, which isn't that bad I suppose:)

ACTUALLY FUCKING RAGING.

thought I could trust you's but instead, you's just hide things from me considering I told you everything?! you's just stab me in the back constantly.. always leave me out, I actually am begining to wonder who my real friends are, you's said that you's were going to help me get through this, help me, be there for me.. but instead your just making it difficult.. I just wish I had someone here to actually talk to, for someone to be able to understand me..

TAKE THAT TOMORROW... ACTUALLY BUZZING.
NO IDEA WHAT TO WEARRRRR:(

You got that smile, that only heaven can make. I pray to god everyday that you keep that smile. You are my dream, there's not a thing I won't do. I'd give up my life all for you cause you are my dream.

trust no one but yourself!

Have you ever sat and thought? who actually are my real friends, should I trust them?
I'm at that stage at the moment, everyone seems to be just stabbing me in the back at the moment.. I may not show it but it hurts, hurts worse than a bee sting on the lip. To be honest, I don't even know what to say anymore, I wish I had it easy like I used to. I wish I never had to constantly worry. I wish I had my old life back.
Will I ever be able to have my life back into a healthy shape?

Ladies and Gentlemen, the prettiest girl in the whole wide world 

Sunshine is falling 
Over my head 
Turtle doves are calling 
Good morning friend 

I've got the prettiest girl in the whole wide world 
And nobody can take her from me. 
And in the evening when she goes out walking alone 
I waited all patiently 

I've never been so happy 
I've never been so sure 
Ooooh 

Red roses blooming 
All unaware 
Of seasons turning 
Of coming here 

I've got the prettiest girl in the whole wide world 
And nobody can take her from me. 

And in the evening when she goes out walking alone 
I waited all patiently 

I've never been so happy 
I've never been so sure 

I've got the prettiest girl in the world 
And I'm in love with her. 

I've got the prettiest girl in the whole wide world 
And nobody can take her from me. 
And in the evening when she goes out walking alone 
I waited all patiently 

I've Never been so happy 
I've never been so sure 

I've got the prettiest girl in the world 
And I'm in love with her.

bought it yesterday; heaven on earth. "should've kissed you" and "next2you" best. songs. ever.

I miss you so much, no one will ever understand. I miss you more and more eachday. Our memories grow stronger yet fade at the same time each day more and more.

You know the feeling when you just want to curl up in a ball and block out the world? I've been feeling that for a long time now. Always just wanting to ignore things that are happening around me, especially backstabbing bitches and pathetic little arguments. Around every corner is another argument or reason to get at eachother, I can't wait for summer to just have so many days with blank plans where I can do what I want.. lie in the feild behind my house if I wanted to.. go out with friends, take fudge a walk, anything. I hate feeling like this but I guess it's my turn to feel like this then eh?

hate when people judge you for the things you do, they usually don't even know the story behind it. Why judge someone when you don't have a clean plate yourself? Why bring someone down because you don't agree with something they done or said. Everyone is their own personal experiment in life, You can do what you want, not listen to people who think they're amazing. Someone the other day said to me " Kirsty, I wish I reacted to things like you do, you just let it blow past you even if it's bad things" it's cause I don't give a fucking shit what people think about me, if I like someone or something.. I'm gonna make my own decisions, I'm not gonna sit back and not enjoy myself cause it won't look good.. like when people try to stop me for doing embarrassing stuff.. I enjoy myself and I was meant to do it, if your head is telling you something you are meant to do it, not let it pass by. You are drawn a path and if you don't follow it cause of dick heads, your loss not theirs, they don't care about you. Be yourself.

People are pricks. I'm going back to Lord of the rings.

I do some crazy things but I never thought I'd go this far... why did I do this to myself? hopefully it grows back fast.

Fuck what people want you to do. Be who you want to be. Do what you want to do. This is your life no one else's. Listen to the music you want to listen to. If it doesn't suit you, don't try to make it suit you. Take chances, take risks. No one can make you be someone your not. Live life the way you want.

It's amazing how much thinking you can do in one day, even if it's something you don't want to think about you still do.. You feed of the thoughts flying about your head to keep you occupied, like when you're trying to get to sleep and all you can think about is people you miss, bad things, things that could of happened, things that wouldn't of happened if you never done small things. So much running through my mind at the moment.. like if I never went to school on the 30th of march, My mum would still be hear, our family wouldn't be in pieces. I wouldn't have to question who is going to be the grandma on my side of the family to my children. Who's going to help me with marrige, Who's going to help me when boys begin to break my heart. Who am I going to tell about life experiences? How can someone be so depressed, that they feel nothing.. Nothing at all. How can you just think "this is the end" when you have an amazing family, a beautiful 12 year old daughter - Rachel Doman and a 14 year old daughter - Me, Kirsty Louise Doman. An amazing husband - Kevin Stanley Doman. It's amazing how depression and other illnesses power against your brain, tell you wrong descisions. Try and convince you that you are no longer worthy of living day to day life like cooking for your family, house work, going to work every weekday and usually weekends. Preparing holidays, It's funny, I always wonder what I'd be like if it never happened, I wouldn't appreciate half of the things I do now, I never used to appreciate anything, I used to always argue with her.. I grew apart from her since her illness, it ruined our family and now we're slowly having to pick up the pieces without her.. it's terrible. We all have to live off the amazing times we had with her when she was alive and healthy not when she was like earlier this year and late last year. It's hard to enjoy anything now, like when I was in Italy.. I'd be enjoying myself and then I'd remember, it's exactly the same with my dad.. He thinks that he needs to be strong for us but we all know that he's a mess inside.. he still sleeps on the same side he used to sleep on every night as they used to when she was here.. he has her old pyjamas put in the place where they always were.. Her side of the room where her drawers are full of her clothes, have not been touched since. Everything, her toothbrush, her bag, her keys. I think it just kills us to actually begin to box her away forever.. I will never get over that feeling when they said to me "mum's dead." out of my head, My legs turned into jelly and whenever I think about it now, it transfers into a horrible lump at the back of my throat. Other people have moved on and accepted it. When people see me they say "that's the girl who's mum commited suicide" but the thing is for me, it's different. It will never ever be the same without her here, I expected to be alot older before I had to go through all this, if anything late 40's but I was about 35 years off. Today at school in RMPS they asked us "where is home to you?" I was praying that they wouldn't ask me indavidually cause I knew my answer as soon as they wrote it on the dirty white board covered in black smudges in the corner. I said in my head "mum" I knew I couldn't of said it, it always makes everything awkward when I bring it up or people say mum, they always look at me like I'm going to take a fit. Mr. Edwards finally got around to me and looked at me "so Kirsty, where is your home?" I said to myself in my head "where my mum is" but how stupid would that sound.. she's in a coffin in the ground, so I just shrugged my shoulders cluelessly and said "I don't know" Everyone accepted it and fell for it, like the smile I put on my face everyday.. I've been getting better and better at it. I guess practice does make perfect. They don't lie when they say that.

I wish I could just move away. Start fresh, maybe the people there would be more sympathetic that I'm always going to be touchy about my mum but yet, no one stops and thinks about what they say. Wish it was as easy as it was when she was here, She always knew what to say but now I just need to feed off the memories I had with her when she was here.

My body clock is actually fucked. Sunday night because I was coming home from italy I went to sleep at about 2 and got woken up at half three to get on the channel tunnel and yesterday I went to bed at half eleven and then got up at ten to one and now today I went to bed at twenty five to twelve and got up at ten to seven, when I usually get up at about 7:30 ish? help meeeeeeeeeeeee:(

It's amazing how you can go from one feeling to another in seconds, like when you think that nothing could ruin that mood when you feel on top of the world and then BOOM it's like a bomb has just hit you and you've came crashing down. I hate it. I hate when you find out something you didn't want to believe or didn't want to find out. Even if it is necasary to know, but then when you want to know.. there is no way of finding out. Like when you see a relationship changed on facebook from in an amazing and serious relationship to single, You always want to know or atliest ponder upon it but then when it's something about you or who you like or even family, You think, I don't wanna know, it will just make me upset. This is possibly one of the worst feelings anyone could ever feel, knowing this is important enough to actually ruin your mood that took place a few moments ago is what gets to me.. Complete and utter shambles.

You are all I feel.

it's weird..

You know, it's weird. I'm usually reading other peoples blogs, reading there problems, there thoughts but I'm trying it out for myself, I've always fancied it although never thought I'd actually try it out. Probably won't be as good as I want to be and as good as I think I am but I'm going to try. Writings been my hobby for a while just never published any of it. I have so many thoughts and feelings on everything. Ugh well.. here it goes, the start of a new blog:)