someone asked me today, if you knew your mum was leaving, how would you say bye?
I sat, I was speachless.. I don't even know what I would've said or would say to anyone..
I think I'd start of with saying thank you? but I wouldn't be able to say it.. I would probably sit shaking, tears streaming down my face.. I thought if I put it into song but then I wouldn't be able to sing it? I wouldn't even want to say bye.. when I look back, I tremble and my mouth begins to hurt when I remember saying bye to my mum, it was just a simple "thanks for the lift, bye." I don't know, I had something in my head saying hug her? but I chose not to, I wish I did, I wish I held her in my arms and maybe that would've gave her a reason to live, to know that I loved her. That would've been a good enough reason wouldn't it of been? I felt like I had so many signals, I just never thought anything of them. Like the week before we were talking about suicide in science with Mr.Grant, people questioning why anyone would actually bring themselves to that? Then the night before, I recieved one of those pointless text messages, the chain ones that said something along the lines "if you don't send this on you're mum will die." I was like naaah, that would never happen to me but the thing is it did? I sit and wonder all the time, was it because of that? I just, every time I walk out my door.. I picture that morning, walking along the path in the garden her stopping in the middle of it saying "kirsty, theres your lunch money" and me answering "nah, I have some" with her facial expressions confused and I told her that dad had gave me £10 at the beginning of the week seen as she was living with my gran, she just put her money back in her purse and said "aw, okay" then driving to school in the car with "someone like you" on the radio.. I found that quite ironik aswell, just the words.. it breaks my heart to think like that but I can't help it, then the car coming to a stop at the co-op and me saying "thanks mum:), see you tonight bye"
I just wish, that daily routine was still on going and running but it's not - she's gone forever, nothing will ever bring her back.