"if you don't have any regrets you have never tried anything new" - Albert Einstien

when you kiss me on the head and tell me you love me, that's when I feel like I can walk on water.

..

Death itself is horrible, it can be sincerely brutal or can be natural. Everyone has been a victim of it. Even if it was just a pet or someone you loved with all your heart. See the thing is people tell me that they know what I'm going through.. they don't. They say "my gran died early last year, I felt terrible, like your feeling" it's just, my mum had a choice. SHE stood in front of the train. SHE told herself to do it. If there was a machine to find out the last thought on her mind, I would actually do anything for it, just to see if she was well enough to even think about us? It's not that I want to know that she didn't think of us. I want to know that even though the illness had token over her body, she was still inside herself. She was still the mum I knew. The one who done everything for me. Told me to talk to her about anything, tried to give me cheesy advice. The thing is I used to be embarrassed of my mum but if she was to come back for 5 minutes and she happened to embarrass me and my friends disowned me or whatever, I would laugh in there faces and say "well, at least I still have the person that I love the most on my side." Our family has recovered from it, well.. that's a lie. We never speak of it, if we ever bring my mum up, it's about the grave, about all the memories or if either me or Rachel look like her. They would just smile and say "You look like your mum when you do that." It sounds weird but it makes me feel proud that the amazing part of my mum, is in me. But when it comes to how she died, we don't speak of it. We don't speak of that she wasn't well. In a way it has made our family stronger but at the same time, torn us apart, it has made me appreciate my dad so much more. Made me realize, Single parents are there for you, not because they want to look after two hormonal teenage girls but because they love you. My dad has honestly the most positive attitude towards life, ever. Kind of like me.. I always seem happy but when you look at him when he's laughing away, making jokes.. you can tell, just by his facial expressions that all he wants is my mum home, but then everyone does, they just show it in different ways. Like me, I use this, I use music, I use art.. I don't use my real expressions, that just puts everyone else down. We all have to stay strong for each other. After all, we are all still here to make her proud.
R.I.P Mum, 30.04.11<3

CANNOT WAIT TO GET AWAY FROM THIS SHIT HOLE.

I AM SO HAPPY WITH YOU.