Can I have my mummy back now? I fuck everything up and I just want her here to tell me that it's not as bad as I think it is

I love you

what are you supposed to do when you know that you can't pretend like you are okay anymore?

This is what confuses me cause what I feel for you, you feel for her so surely you know how much this is hurting me... actually no, you don't cause I am 100% sure you still talk to her but you didn't even tell me you didn't want to talk to me anymore... you left me to figure it out myself and that is what hurt the most, you didn't even care enough to give me am explination but yet I am sitting here fucking upset cause you have found someone better which I knew deep down it would happen eventually but I had hoped it wouldn't.. why can't you see what you are doing is killing me?

You know when you look in the mirror in the morning? When you have a really good look at yourself. When you maybe try fix your hair or whatever. That is when I look deep into my eyes and I don't even know who I am looking at, that is when I have flashbacks of looking at myself in the mirror when I was younger, looking at someone I was not fully impressed with, someone that always wanted to be someone else. Now, it is just worse... I mean, I don't even want to be someone else anymore, I just don't want to be anyone. I just want to be happy. I mean not the happy like I seem to be, the happy when you are actually content with your life. I always think I am happy until I get into to bed and I feel I have no one to talk to so I think. I think about what would happen if I wasn't here. Think about who would even care. Think about the people who would pretend to be my friends after it, the people who would realize that they really hated me for no reason or the people who would say "I am glad she is gone". I don't even feel bad about thinking like this anymore. I don't even feel bad that I have thought about what to write on my note, if I even leave one. I just can't do this anymore. Everyone complains cause they think I am so depressed, well.. that is because I am. They don't realize how much it hurts me when someone says it cause deep down, they are right. I am nothing but that. I am nothing but dark. I have nothing good about me at all. It is weird to think that deep down this is what I am thinking, doesn't seem that way, does it?

This is so tiring. I really do not need this, not now. I wish everyone would just leave me be, I just want to be alone or at least happy even though I know I can never be.. ever again. Why did this have to happen to me? Out of everyone, why me? I just can't handle this anymore. It is getting too much again. Too much for me to handle. It hurts to even have to hold back tears anymore, I am so weak.

You always put in sly wee comments about loads of boys, usually boys I don't even talk to. Just remember what you did, please. I have a lot I could bring up and you would be speachless.

I am so fucking gutted that I done what I did, hopefully by the next time I see you, you have forgotten that I done that.

well, I fuck that up for myself so fast. I am such an arsehole when I am drunk, the annoying thing is it really hurts. Why would you like me back anyway? I am just the girl who's mum killed herself.

I want you. I cannot get over how much I miss you. I just want to smell your scent and press my body up against you once more. I wish you could read this but you can't even do that. Why the fuck am I still here?