It's amazing how much thinking you can do in one day, even if it's something you don't want to think about you still do.. You feed of the thoughts flying about your head to keep you occupied, like when you're trying to get to sleep and all you can think about is people you miss, bad things, things that could of happened, things that wouldn't of happened if you never done small things. So much running through my mind at the moment.. like if I never went to school on the 30th of march, My mum would still be hear, our family wouldn't be in pieces. I wouldn't have to question who is going to be the grandma on my side of the family to my children. Who's going to help me with marrige, Who's going to help me when boys begin to break my heart. Who am I going to tell about life experiences? How can someone be so depressed, that they feel nothing.. Nothing at all. How can you just think "this is the end" when you have an amazing family, a beautiful 12 year old daughter - Rachel Doman and a 14 year old daughter - Me, Kirsty Louise Doman. An amazing husband - Kevin Stanley Doman. It's amazing how depression and other illnesses power against your brain, tell you wrong descisions. Try and convince you that you are no longer worthy of living day to day life like cooking for your family, house work, going to work every weekday and usually weekends. Preparing holidays, It's funny, I always wonder what I'd be like if it never happened, I wouldn't appreciate half of the things I do now, I never used to appreciate anything, I used to always argue with her.. I grew apart from her since her illness, it ruined our family and now we're slowly having to pick up the pieces without her.. it's terrible. We all have to live off the amazing times we had with her when she was alive and healthy not when she was like earlier this year and late last year. It's hard to enjoy anything now, like when I was in Italy.. I'd be enjoying myself and then I'd remember, it's exactly the same with my dad.. He thinks that he needs to be strong for us but we all know that he's a mess inside.. he still sleeps on the same side he used to sleep on every night as they used to when she was here.. he has her old pyjamas put in the place where they always were.. Her side of the room where her drawers are full of her clothes, have not been touched since. Everything, her toothbrush, her bag, her keys. I think it just kills us to actually begin to box her away forever.. I will never get over that feeling when they said to me "mum's dead." out of my head, My legs turned into jelly and whenever I think about it now, it transfers into a horrible lump at the back of my throat. Other people have moved on and accepted it. When people see me they say "that's the girl who's mum commited suicide" but the thing is for me, it's different. It will never ever be the same without her here, I expected to be alot older before I had to go through all this, if anything late 40's but I was about 35 years off. Today at school in RMPS they asked us "where is home to you?" I was praying that they wouldn't ask me indavidually cause I knew my answer as soon as they wrote it on the dirty white board covered in black smudges in the corner. I said in my head "mum" I knew I couldn't of said it, it always makes everything awkward when I bring it up or people say mum, they always look at me like I'm going to take a fit. Mr. Edwards finally got around to me and looked at me "so Kirsty, where is your home?" I said to myself in my head "where my mum is" but how stupid would that sound.. she's in a coffin in the ground, so I just shrugged my shoulders cluelessly and said "I don't know" Everyone accepted it and fell for it, like the smile I put on my face everyday.. I've been getting better and better at it. I guess practice does make perfect. They don't lie when they say that.