24.03.2011

Today I'm in a much better mood, I think I just have those days where I sit and look at photo's that remind me of her. Anyway, I have only been here 1-2 days and I'm already tanning/burnt! I'M SO FUCKING PROUD. I am not leaving here without a tan! and this is not over reacted, I will refuse. Today I'm going out for a meal with Katy, Paula and Ron. Not sure if anyone else is going but oh well. Then tonight crashing at katy's and then going to Ayora tomorrow to the market and to pick up my medication. Hopefully everything will go fine.

Being sorounded by people but feeling so alone, feeling like there is no one to talk to.

I look back on when I used to live here, I used to love it! I used to have it sooo easy! I kind of miss it, I have temptations of moving back. The country side, the people, the atmousphere, everything. The school meals, not so much but I would be in high school so it would finish at 2:30, I think. I would be able to make a fresh start, Get a drivers lisscence, be myself.
I wish I could live here again but then I remember everyone and everything at home and I think.. I WANNA GO HOME.
STOP TRYING TO TEMPT ME SPAIN, WITH YOU AND YOUR SUN?!?!

I MISS YOU.
what does that really mean? I want to be with you? I've not seen you in ages, lets meet up? or Wish you were here. We've all said it and claimed we've felt it. But theres a difference between missing and wanting to see.
Missing is how I feel for my mum; wishing she was here every minute of the day. Wanting for her to curl up next to me and tell me it's a silly idea to move to spain and do all those things. At the moment I am feeling both concepts of 'miss' between all my friends and then my mum. I love all my friends but I
know that they'll always be there, they wouldn't choose to leave, where as my mum on the othee hand is a different story, I wonder if it's that I don't forgive her and that's why I constantly write about her, I think it's just with every suicide I read about, theres always a note? there's always a reason. Not here theres not.
There wasn't anything, the thing that I think about the most is her lying there feeling nothing, not even a heartbeat and the car sitting empty with her mobile in it with about 30 missed calls, from everyone. My dad, My gran, me? I think it will take me a long time to forgive her, a VERY long time. She left us when we needed her most but she didn't think we did, she felt useless. It must be horrible to feel like that. She used to try and figure out why I felt like that, she used to sit down and ask me but depression isn't easy to talk about, or easy to explain even. I used to feel empty constantly, I used to feel no love being given to me, I used to do silly things. I think it was the fact I got bullied but then when I went to spain to live, no one gets bullied. Yeah theres a group of popular people and what have you but I had it so easy, no one questioned anything about me, no one questioned my scars, my drawings, me being on my own. They made friends with me, made me feel apart of something then when I found out that I was moving away back to Scotland, it scared me, I got back and tried to be anyone but myself, made up stuff about myself, trying to look good, trying to fit in but the stuff I made up no one had done, I guess it was just me wanting attention but to much attention again led to being depressed, suffering all of it. Mum finding out telling me I had to go to the doctors, Having to explain to her why I done any of those vial things to myself but she didn't listen, she thought it was best. I got put on tablets, Those tablets are the best thing that happened to me, they made me feel normal, not out of control, nothing. Then when we moved up to high school, at first.. I didn't really have anyone, I had some friends but then I met alex&lucy, I'm still friends with them now, they're my bestfriends, they have been there for me through everything, I know I can tell them everything. Well, they know everything so I have nothing to tell but I can always rely on them, the only time I can't is when I feel like I can't but they reassure me that I can.
I don't know what I'd do without them, If I hadn't of met them, I wouldn't be who I am now.. Kirsty Louise Doman.



WOAH ESSAY'S ON THE GO, HAHA!