Dear Mum,

Well, I was reading through this blog and tearing back all the cobwebs from the posts that I posted back when I was 14. Broken with loads of unanswered questions with most of them being why. Why did this have to happen? But over the past few years since then, I have realized that you shouldn't ask why, you need to be happy because no matter how much you want it back, you had it. Even if it was just a little while, you were happy and you will be happy again. Yeah, there will be scars left on you whether they are mentally or physical, that's your choice really. You can recover from anything, that's how I'm starting to see things. Throughout the post I had wrote about you, I had mentioned that I was scared as to who was going to be here for me when boys started breaking my heart and I was right, they have broke my heart. They have left me smashed into a million pieces with no intention of helping me piece myself back together. But yet, I am still here. I'm sure as you are watching, you realize how much both of those occasions being very difficult for me. You've also probably seen so much you did not want to see, I'm sorry about that. I guess you would of had to see it sometime soon. It must hurt being up there and seeing me destroy my body and not be able to even try and tell me to stop but I'm sure you will tell me somehow. I don't really know why I'm writing this, mum. I guess I just miss you and I need to tell someone how I feel, 100% and seen as you can't have an opinion as I'm your daughter, you just need to listen. Or at least that's how I'm feeling right now. I guess, I just love him, mum. And I know you know that, you would of seen my endless tears, my hurting, my persistence to make things right. He's still in my life and I continue to get false hope but then again, I don't know if it is false hope or not. He made me the happiest person ever, mum. It was so unreal, it felt like something out of a film. I seen myself with him when I grew old. But here I am at 17 and I'm still questioning things about you leaving us and I think that's what has made me slightly unordinary and fucked up. I'm sorry for saying that, it's just I don't know how else to put it. I rely on other people too much, I rely on them to make me happy. I'm just so useless half the time and I don't know how I'm meant to react towards everything. I love you, mum. I love you more than anything. And when it comes to missing you, I don't even know where to begin. I'm sorry for not thinking of you as much as I should do and not visiting you. I just can't bring myself to do it, seeing your name on the grave stone just rips my heart out of my rib cage and the fact that it says "mother to Kirsty and Rachel" makes it even more real and even though it's been 3 years now I can't deal with reality. You are supposed to be here. Please come home soon.

I love and miss you, forever.
Kirsty x