I never thought it was actually possible to hate yourself so much but its not just my appearance that I hate, its the way I amen't able to deal with situations, the way I amen't able to get attached in anyway at all, the way I think.. it sounds stupid but I am just glad no one can hear my thoughts cause if they could I would no longer have friends as I imagine they would tell everyone, not that I have that many friends anyway. I hate the fact I can't make decisions properly for myself, I just do not want this operation  I do not want to be stuck in a fucking hospital in New Year cause I know I will just sit there feeling sorry for myself and probably just cry, knowing that I am going to be stuck there for at least two weeks. I just wish I was normal, just a normal person. Without the scoliosis, without the constant thoughts about killing myself, without the background of not having a mum, without my whole fucking entire background. I just hate Kirsty. I look in the mirror and then I think back to when I was younger and used to look in the mirror, I can't even see myself anymore. I just see this girl who is so lost in her own mess and is screaming to get out but everyone just assumes for me to be okay. If I amen't they will just tell me to suck it up but you know what, I am sure if you were in my position you would not be able to do that. I am beyond breaking point, I just want this all to be over.